using a tazer gun

[lxexpress]

This was submitted by a guy who thoughtfully bought his
lovely wife a "pocket tazer" for their anniversary. (Don't be drinking
liquids when you read this, I'm warning you.)

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn
that tickled my fancy. I bought something really cool for my wife, Toni. The
occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something
extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. The effects are supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was so disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I
was so

looking forward to.

Awesome!!! But I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this
new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-a batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a
second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But,
if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly

make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about
5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute
really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to
myself, "No friggin' way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
my

best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one- second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY GUACAMOLE!
DANG!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,
picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with
my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my
face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a
Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst
when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
SON-OF-A-BUCK that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was
a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran
away. I'm offering a reward.

[meneep]

OMG!!
ROFLMAO!!!

[steelfalcon29]

OMG!!
ROFLMAO!!!

AMEN Meneep!!! I couldn't have said it better...that had my eyes watering I was laughing so hard.

[tweety]

LMFAO

[Roush8702]

Funny as hell.

Reminds me of my neighbor, If I only knew Id of brought out the video camera.

He installed a electric fence for his dog and wanted to see how much of a shock it was going to give, but rather then holding it , he put it on his neck. That would a have made a great owned vid. His wife loves telling that story when shes drunk ... " And this Stupid Bastard !! " is usually how it starts.

[Black Stallion]

The guy who cuts my hair got his wife pepper spray for protection and she took it outside to test it, and she pointed it away from her and fired it, but as soon as she fired it, a big gust of wind came up and blew it into her face. Needless to say, she doesn't use the stuff lol.

[steelfalcon29]

Talk about bad luck. A buddy of mind found a guy in his daughters room one night, he started beating the shit out of this guy, stoped and went to get a ball bat so he could really do him in. While he was doing this his wife called the cops, they show up mistake my buddy for the wrong guy and shot him with the taser gun not once but twice. OMG I couldn't help but LMAO when he was telling me about how all he could do was twitch on the floor. LOL

[93ramvert]

I've done the electric fence thing. But with my tongue. Cobra94 has a pic of the blue spark coming off my tonque. Not only once but twice that night. I was quite drunk, later that same night I was seen with my mothers wig and a messy lipstick job. Yea he's got pic's of that too.


I can't even began to explain what it sounds and feels like

[steelfalcon29]

TMI on the wig and lipstick. LMAO

[wldponi03]

OMG that was too Funny, I laughed so hard my eyes are still watering, my Hubby heard me laughing and came too see what the Heck was so Funny!!!! I thought after he read it he would wet his pants from laughing too!!! Gee and they talk about us Blondes!!!! LMFAO!!!!!

[meneep]

Stupid = Funny

[Black Stallion]

I've done the electric fence thing. But with my tongue. Cobra94 has a pic of the blue spark coming off my tonque. Not only once but twice that night. I was quite drunk, later that same night I was seen with my mothers wig and a messy lipstick job. Yea he's got pic's of that too.


I can't even began to explain what it sounds and feels like

[Cobra94]

i deleted the pics off my phone. it was disturbing to have the wig and lip stick pics.

[93ramvert]

i deleted the pics off my phone. it was disturbing to have the wig and lip stick pics.

See you so could have owned me with those pics.