chili testing........

[lxexpress]

> > > CHILI TASTING
> > > **Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
> > the
> > > first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For
> > > those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
> > > actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town.
> > It
> > > takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The
notes
> > > are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
> > Texas
> > > from the East Coast:
> > > Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> > > cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> > > happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions
> > > to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
> > other
> > > two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
> > and,
> > > besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
> > > accepted".
> > > Here are the scorecards from the event:
> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > > Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> > > > Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> > > > Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
> >
> > > > could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers
> > to
> > > > put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
> > are
> > > > crazy.
> > > >
> > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > > Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> > > > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> >
> > > > seriously.
> > > > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
> > sure
> > > > what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
> > > > people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
> > > > rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
> > > >
> > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > > Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
> > beans.
> > > > Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> >
> > > > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
> >
> > > > feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
> > routine
> > > > by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
> > > > the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
> > > > getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
> > > >
> > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > > Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
> > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
> > Disappointing.
> > > > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
> >
> > > > fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> > > > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
> >
> > > > unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally,
> >
> > > > the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That
> > > > 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear
> > > > waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
> > > >
> > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > > Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
> > ground,
> > > > adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> > > > Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
> > Must
> > > > admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> > > > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
> > forehead
> > > > and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
> > behind
> > > > me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
> >
> > > > her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
> > > > tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
> > > > pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses
> > me
> > > > off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
> > those
> > > > rednecks.
> > > >
> > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > > Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
> > balance
> > > > of spices and peppers.
> > > > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
> > and
> > > > garlic. Superb.
> > > > Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
> > > > gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm
> > > > worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
> > > > stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than
> > I
> > > > thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with
> > a
> > > > snow cone.
> > > >
> > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > > Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
> > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> > > > peppers.
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
> > can
> > > > of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I
> > am
> > > > worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress
> > as
> > > > he is cursing uncontrollably.
> > > > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
> > and
> > > > I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
> > world
> > > > sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
> > with
> > > > chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
> >
> > > > lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
> > > > they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its
> >
> > > > too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
> > > > need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
> > stomach.
> > > >
> > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > > Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
> > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
> >
> > > > too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> > > > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither
> > > > mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #
> > 3
> > > > passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
> > > > himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder
> > > > how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
> > > >
> > > > Yeeee-HAW! Don't mess with Texas!

[Cobra94]

my A.D.D. kicked in half way through reading that!. could it be any longer. LOL

[steelfalcon29]

OMG. ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!! It's been awhile since I've seen that one but Damn it's funny everytime.

[Brickyard]

Gah, always a classic. Great joke for sure.