This was submitted by a guy who thoughtfully bought his
lovely wife a "pocket tazer" for their anniversary. (Don't be drinking
liquids when you read this, I'm warning you.)
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn
that tickled my fancy. I bought something really cool for my wife, Toni. The
occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something
extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. The effects are supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was so disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I
was so
looking forward to.
Awesome!!! But I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this
new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a
second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But,
if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about
5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute
really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to
myself, "No friggin' way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
my
best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one- second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY GUACAMOLE!
DANG!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,
picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with
my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my
face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a
Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst
when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
SON-OF-A-BUCK that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was
a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran
away. I'm offering a reward.
