J
12-14-2004, 02:15 PM
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffettable knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you seecarrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rumballs.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like finesingle-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who caresthat it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going toturn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Haveone for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point ofgravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of yourmashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milkor whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sportscar with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to controlyour eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eatother people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and NewYear's.You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This isthetime for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet tablewhile carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, positionyourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can beforebecoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair ofshoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see themagain.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.Or,if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Alwayshave three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? LaborDay?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with themandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, havesome standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the partyor get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention ofarriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rathertoskid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, bodythoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, what aride!"
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like finesingle-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who caresthat it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going toturn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Haveone for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point ofgravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of yourmashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milkor whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sportscar with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to controlyour eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eatother people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and NewYear's.You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This isthetime for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet tablewhile carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, positionyourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can beforebecoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair ofshoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see themagain.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.Or,if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Alwayshave three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? LaborDay?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with themandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, havesome standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the partyor get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention ofarriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rathertoskid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, bodythoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, what aride!"