hrsepwrbrat
07-16-2005, 09:59 AM
You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor given to
the person who improved the "gene pool" the most by killing
themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always,
competition this year has been keen. And the candidates this year
are.............
* IN Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet
of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer
grate to retrieve his car keys.
* A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily
run.
* Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he
had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers
said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the
wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday
afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and
shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of
Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers
using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200
people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
* Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell
face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had
placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base
of his skull as he hit the floor.
* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as
he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver
loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
HONORABLE MENTION:
* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and
his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite
blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored
couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see
what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was
closed.
RUNNER UP:
* TACOMA, WA Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends
when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from
the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The
conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the
walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of
the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out
that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was
secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the
bridge.
His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his
foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the
icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can
say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that
night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot
was never located.
AND THE WINNER:
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany)
fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and
more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the
plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper
under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich,
46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema
when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the
elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.Riesfeldt to the
ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as
the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said
flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one
there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour
before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves that
"Shit happens!"
the person who improved the "gene pool" the most by killing
themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always,
competition this year has been keen. And the candidates this year
are.............
* IN Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet
of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer
grate to retrieve his car keys.
* A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily
run.
* Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he
had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers
said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the
wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday
afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and
shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of
Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers
using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200
people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
* Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell
face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had
placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base
of his skull as he hit the floor.
* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as
he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver
loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
HONORABLE MENTION:
* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and
his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite
blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored
couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see
what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was
closed.
RUNNER UP:
* TACOMA, WA Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends
when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from
the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The
conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the
walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of
the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out
that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was
secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the
bridge.
His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his
foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the
icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can
say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that
night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot
was never located.
AND THE WINNER:
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany)
fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and
more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the
plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper
under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich,
46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema
when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the
elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.Riesfeldt to the
ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as
the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said
flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one
there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour
before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves that
"Shit happens!"