Quotes for the day- let's hear them. [Archive]

03-16-2005, 10:43 AM

Check out these.. Ive collected...

Law of Highway Construction - The most heavily traveled streets spend the most time under construction.

Rule of the Classroom - When you don't know the answer to a question, you will be called upon to answer it.

Ellis's Law - Progress is the exchange of one nuisance for another.

Carsten's Theory of Consumer Products - If it's simple, easy to work with, and economical, expect the price to go up.

Jerry's Law - Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.

Lucas's Law of Computers - If you have enough memory, you will not have enough disk space.

Rule of Calculations - Any figure that cannot be wrong and must not be wrong will be one that is wrong.

Ed's Law of Radiology - The colder the X-ray table, the more body you are required to place upon it.

Von Braun's Advice - Use the word "impossible" with the greatest caution.

Ducharm's Axiom - If you view a problem closely enough, you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.

The Telephone Information Axiom - An easy-to-remember phone number is given only when you are prepared to write it down.

Law of Money Dynamics - A suprise monetary windfall will be accompanied by an unexpected expense of the same amount.

Finagle's Law - Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

Murphy's Corollary - If it is possible for several things to go wrong, the one causing the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Hampton's Homily - The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

Murphy's Law of Dieting - The first pounds you lose are in areas you didn't want to lose pounds.

Cafeteria Law - The item of food you had your eye on the minute you walked in will be taken by the person in front of you.

Knowles's Law of the Internet - The number of useless selections returned on a search increases exponentially with the urgency of your search.

Gus's Law of Auto Repair - It's always the wrong wrench.

Andersen's Law of Survival for Low-Level Managers - Never be right too often.

Mary Margaret's Investment Axiom - The stock goes up until you buy it.

Finagle's Law of Scientific Experimentation - No matter what the result, there is always someone eager to misinterpret it.

Murphy's Corollary - Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

Daggit's Declaration - The key to a totally open mind is total indifference.

Lovka's Law of Assembly - If there's only one way it can go together, you will still find a way to put it together incorrectly.

Las Vegas Law - The probability of winning is inversely proportional to the amount of the wager.

Paul's Positive Approach to Misfortune - It could have been worse.

Hardin's Law - You can never do just one thing.

Britnall's Law - If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.

Nietzche's "I Need It" Clarifaction - Necessity is an interpretation, not a fact.

Basic Baggage Principle - No matter which carousel you stand by, your baggage will come in on another one.

Law of Personal Expertise - Just when you get really good at something, they don't need you to do it any more.

Kirkland's Law - The usefulness of any meeting is inversely proportional to the attendance.

Bureaucratic Rule - Any government project will take twice as long as planned, cost twice as much, and produce only half of what is wanted.

The Consolidation Fallacy - If a thing cannot be fitted into something smaller than itself, somebody will try to do it.

Law of Infernal Dynamics - An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

Castleton's Comment - To err is human; to blame it on someone else is politics.

Thoreau's Observation - Men have become the tools of their tools.

Lynder's Law of High School Bands - No valve sticks when the band director tries it.

O'Grady's Horrendous Discovery - Where there's a hangover, there's a childproof asprin bottle.

Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
3.) Only useless documentation transcends the first two laws.

Principal Rule of Politics - It matters not what you do, but what you say you'll do and what you say you've already done.

Wolter's Law - If you have the time, you won't have the money. If you have the money, you won't have the time.

Langer's Law of Waiting in Lines - If the line moves quickly, you're in the wrong line.

Kagel's Law - Anything adjustable will eventually need adjustment.

Murphy's Law - If anything can go wrong, it will.

Murphy's Societal Axiom - There is nothing more dangerous than good intentions combined with stupidity.

Thorson's Law - The greater the emergency, the lower the charge in your cell phone battery.

Schyler's Law of Relativity for Programmers - If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

Horwood's Law - If you have the right data, you have the wrong problem.

The Principle Concerning Multifunctional Devices - The more functions a device is required to perform, the less effectively it can perform any individual function.

Law of Assembly - Any additional part will be discovered only after the assembly is completed.

Lovka's Household Maxim - If you think you might have left it on and return to check it, it will be off. If you think you might have left it on and don't return to check it, it will be on.

The Law of Repair - It costs more to fix it than to buy a new one.

When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you're finished with, you will need it again.

Thiessen's Law of Gastronmy - The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the roll.

Gore's Law of Design Engineering - The component of any circuit that has the shortest service life will be placed in the least accessible location.

Sintentos's Law of Consumerism - A sity-day warranty guarantees that the product will self-destruct on the sixty-first day.

Rapoport's Rule of the Roller Skate Key - Certain items that are crucial to a given activity will show up with uncommon regularity until the day when that activity is planned. At this point, the item in question will disappear from the face of the earth.

Rector's Law of E-Mail - Typos are not noticed until after the 'Send' button has been clicked.

The 50-50-90 Rule - Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 percent probability you'll get it wrong.

Drew's Law of Highway Biology - The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

Kendall's Theory of Automobile Travel - The probability of getting lost rises at an exponentail rate to the number of shortcuts taken.

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor - People are always available for work in the past tense.

Tussman's Law - Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake for which its time has come.

Diamond's Law for Prosecutors - Mistrials occur only when you are winning your case.

Kenner's Law of Revision - There is no such thing as a simple modification.

Imbesi's Law of the Conservation of Filth - For something to become clean, something else must become dirty.

Leahy's Law - If a thing is done wrong often enough, it appears right.

Anders's Negative Principle of Computers - Data you don't need is never lost.

Murphy's Time-Action Quandary - You never know how soon is too late.

Murphy's Principle of Research - Enough poll-taking, demographic analysis, and focus group research will tend to prove any theory.

Clacker's Elevator Observation - The elevator never comes on the first press of the call button. The more people who press the call button, the longer the elevator is delayed.

Law of Telephone Dynamics - The phone call you keep waiting for comes the minute you walk out the door.

Beckett's Law of Legitimate Theater - People with coughs always have theater tickets.

Kerry's Observation - The length of the thank-you note is directly proportional to the length of the delay in writing it.

Tupper's Political Postulate - He who walks astride the fence has few directions from which to choose.

Breznikar's Interest Principle - Almost everything is more popular than it used to be.

Becker's Backyard Birdwatching Axiom - By the time you retrieve the binoculars from their location, the unusual bird will have flown away.

Whitehead's Theory - Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations that we can perform without thinking about them.

Law of the Misplaced Item - If an item has been stored in one place for some time and you move it to a better place, you will recall only where it used to be and that you moved it somewhere.

Lee's Law - It takes less time to do something right than it takes to explain why you did it wrong.

Henry's Mathematical Theory of Socks - 2 socks + 1 dryer = 1 sock

Law of Office Murphology - Postage stamps that don't stick to letters will stick to other things.

The "Now They Tell Us Rule" - If there is a quicker way to complete the task, that way will not become evident until after the task is completed.

Shand's Law for Physicians - The more efficiently a procedure has been performed, the greater the chance that: 1. It will have to be redone. 2. It will have to be undone. 3. It was the wrong procedure in the first place.

Robert's Axiom for Vacationers - Vacation travel time allowing "more than enough" time to catch a plane, boat or train will turn into "just enough" time or "not enough" time when applied.

Westheimer's Scientific Discovery - A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library.

Harrison's Postulate - For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Murphy's Rule of Do-It-Yourself Repair - If you test to see if something will work, and it does, you can never be sure it will work the next time.

Turner's Definition - A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Perrussel's Law - There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrong.

Czlinsky's Law of Retail - If you want to browse, you will be inundated by clerks; if you want to buy, no clerk can be found.

Britt's Green Thumb Postulate - The life expectancy of a houseplant varies inversely with its price and directly with its ugliness.

Wolf's Law of Planning - A good place to start from is where you are.

Ryan's Application of Parkinson's Law - Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.

Herman's Law - A good scapegoat is almost as good as a good solution.

Whitehead's Rule - Seek simplicity and distrust it.

Finman's Principle - The one you want is never the one on sale.

Murphy's Time-Action Quandary - You never know how soon is too late.

The Jones-Einstein Principle - Originality is the art of concealing your source.

Felson's Law - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Cotner's Law for Salespeople - The more congenial the buyer, the more likely that a competitor got the order.

Law of Contract Negotiations - When two parties reach the point where they are neither better nor worse off than they were at the beginning of negotiations, the contract is signed.

Delong's Supermarket Dictum - If the line for the "Cash Only" register is long, at least one person will pay by check.

Conroy's Bureaucratic Constant - A new procedure explained in two pages leads to a clarification and application statement that takes five.

Wise Child's Axiom - When dad says no, ask grandpa.

Anders's Negative Principle of Computers - The program never crashes at the beginning of a job.

Law of Tools - If you need it here, it's somewhere over there.

Mayne's Law - Nobody notices the big errors.

Ducharme's Precept - Opportunity knocks at the least opportune moment.

Campbell's Law of Auto Repair - If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the right tool to work on it.

Yeager's Law - Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.

Roland's Rule - The only time the repair people show up on time is when you expect them to be late.

The Grocery Bag Law - The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

Krouscup's Law of Supply - If you don't need it and don't want it, there is always plenty of it.

The Budgetary Dilemma - It always costs more than what you budgeted.

Gattuso's Extension of Murphy's Law - Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.

The Management Maxim - No matter how much you do, someone will find something else you should have done.

Carter's Conclusion - Only after a misplaced item is replaced will the original item be found.

The Michaud-Silver Rule of House Repair - If you wait for them, they never show up. If you leave, they arrive in your absence.

De Beaumarchais's Motto - It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them.

Lynch's Law - When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.

Universal Law of Plant Identification - If it's lush, green, and thriving in the garden, it's a weed.

Reynold's Law of Climatology - Wind velocity increases directly with the cost of the hairdo.

Law of Driving - There is no traffic until you need to make a left turn.

Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone with whom you don't want to be seen.

Logan's Law of Nutritional Balance - Two days of health foods will not cancel out five days of junk food.

Ellis's Law - Progress is the exchange of one nuisance for another.

Tillis's Ogranizational Principle - If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.

Potter's Paradox - A rumor doesn't gain credence until it's officially denied.

Flugg's Rule - The slowest checker is always at the fast-checkout lane.

Law of Employee Benefits - The illness you come down with is the one condition your group insurance doesn't cover.

Lovka's Dilemma - You never get away, you only get somewhere else.

Franko's Law of the Workplace - If you enjoy what you're doing, you're probably doing it wrong.

Mark's Law of Photographing Sunsets - The sunset becomes most brilliant fifteen seconds after you've taken the last shot on the roll of film.

Johnson's Law - If in the course of several months only three worthwhile social events take place, they will all fall on the same evening.

Heidi's Law of Lines - No matter how early you arrive, someone else is in line first.

Coach Beaker's Rule of High School Athletics - The team bus breaks down only on the longest trips.

Wethern's Law of Suspended Judgment - Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

Benedict's Law of Carpooling - As soon as you switch to the carpool lane, the other lanes of traffic go faster.

Gray's Bus Law - A bus will arrive only when the would-be rider has walked to a point so close to the destination that it is no longer worthwhile to board the bus.

Fish's Law of Animal Behavior - The probability of a cat eating its dinner has absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food placed before the cat.

The Primary rule of Television - The best television shows of the new season will be scheduled opposite each other.

Murphy's Law for Band Directors - The part that was played prefectly during rehearsal is the part that goes wrong during performance.

Phillip's Law - Four-wheel drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

Carn's Law of Spectating - No matter where you stand, you will be in someone else's way.

Hall's Law of the Retail Trade - When you are fully staffed and totally prepared, there is no business. When you are short-staffed and ill-prepared, business booms.

Law of Research Funding - The theory is supported as long as the funds are.

Harriet's Law of the Dinner Party - The more critical it is that the food be served on time, the greater the chance of guests arriving late.

John's Collateral Corollary - In order to get a loan you must first prove that you don't need it.

Jake's Rule of Restaurants - If everybody is not there, they must know something.

Wright's Law of Quality - Quality is inversely proportional to the time left for completion of the project.

Henry's Quirk of Human Nature - Nobody loves a winner who wins all the time.

Hawkin's Thoery of Progress - Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.

Gable's Discovery - Cheap replacement parts will be discontinued and replaced by expensive replacement parts.

Washlesky's Law - Anything is easier to take apart than to put together.

Horner's Postulate - Experience varies directly with the amount of equipment ruined.

Karinthy's Definition - A bus is a vehicle that goes on the other side of the street in the opposite direction.

Law of Meetings - The meeting starts on time only when you are late.

Stein's Thery of Comparison - In matters of quality, average is always a little below average.

Parker's Principle of Computer Systems - As soon as you become proficient, the system is upgraded.

Magdell's Shopping Principle - On any shopping trip on which you carry only fives, tens, and twenties, the tab for your purchases will come to 20.04.

Randall's Law of Automotives - The flat doesn't occur until the day after the tire sale.

Wilson's Law of Retail - When the customer says, "I'll be back," he won't.

Fulton's Law of Gravity - The effort to catch a falling object will produce more destruction than if the object had been allowed to fall in the first place.

Truman's Law - If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

Evans and Bjorn's Law - No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would.

Murray's Rule of Football - The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there.

Markbrite's Law - If an escalator is out of order it will be an "up" escalator.

Law of the Workplace - Management notices when you're late for work, but not when you're working late.

Woodside's Grocery Bag Principle - The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.

Taylor's Law of the Internet - All modems wait at the same speed.

Agrait's Law - A rumor will travel the fastest to the place where it will do the most damage.

First Rule of the Party - No matter how well the living room is decorated, guests tend to congregate in the kitchen.

Jean's Law of Automotives - Any car used as a back-up breaks down just after the primary car breaks down.

Matsch's Law - It's better to have a horrible ending then to have horrors without end.

Fergus's Observation - The lost sock reappears only after its match has been discarded.

Dennis Miller - There are two groups of people in the world now. Those who get pathetically drunk in public, and the rest of us poor bastards who are expected to drive these pinheads home.

Glaser's Law - If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.

Mitch Hedberg - I find that ducks' opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Angst's Law - There is more anxiety in avoiding something then facing it.

The Telephone Information Axiom - If you call information and cannot immediately write down the number; the number given will be too difficult to remember and you will have to call back and request it again.

Cosgood's Telemarketing Observation - If an item is advertised as having sold millions you will never meet anyone who has bought one.

Lockerby's Rule of Invitations - You will always be free to go to a party you don't want to attend.

Law of Christmas Decorating - The outdoor lights that tested perfectly indoors develop burnouts as soon as they are strung on the house.

Kovac's Conundrum - When you dial a wrong number; you never get a busy signal.

Milstead's Driving Principle - Whenever you need to stop at a light to put on makeup, every light will be green.

Winfield's Dictum of Direction Giving - The possibility of getting lost is directly proportional to the number of times the direction giver says, "You can't miss it."

Mike's Automotive Maxim - The automobile heater works best during the summer.

Berkshire's Law of Household Budgeting - Just after you've made both ends meet, someone moves the ends.

Butler's Law - He who laughs last thinks slowest.

London's Law of Libraries - No matter which book you need, it's on the bottom shelf.

Sophie's Law - No candle will light with the first match.

Murphy's Paradox - Doing it the hard way is always easier.

Susanna's Law - Every recipe includes one ingredient that you do not have on hand.

Lovka's Lament - If it has made you happy, at some time it will make you sad.

Farnsworth's Universal Frustration - If you need three, you can immediately acquire two.

Karen's Law of Group Activities - Whenever a schedule changes, someone won't get the word.

Lackland's Laws - 1. Never be first, 2. Never be last, 3. Never volunteer for anything.

Moore's Christmas Axiom - The more time spent shopping for, transporting, and assembling the Christmas toy, the less time a child will spend playing with it.

Hecht's Law - There's no time like the present for postponing what you don't want to do.

Angela's Gift-Giving Axiom - The last sheet of gift-wrap will be six inches smaller then the last gift to be wrapped.

The Party Law - The more food you prepare, the less your guests eat.

Milstead's Christmas Card Rule - After you've mailed your last Christmas card, you will receive a card from someone you overlooked.

George Carlin - The other night I ate a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Monica Piper - I like driving around with my two dogs, expecially on the freeways. I make them wear little hates so I can use the car pool lanes.

Anthony Clark - I just bought a Chihuahua. It's the dog for lazy people. You don't have to walk it. Just hold it out the window and squeeze.

George Carlin - If you want to keep your dog in line, walk him past the fur shop a couple times a week.

Tracy Smith - I've got a doctor's appointment on Monday. I'm not sick or anything. It's just that I lost some weight, and I want someone to see me naked.

Richard Jeni - It is a sad fact that fifty percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

Richard Lewis - I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli.

Geechy Guy - You should always say no to drugs. That will drive the prices down.

Susie Loucks - I was out on a date recently and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.

Mark Lundholm - A detox center is where you pay 15,000 to find out that 12-step meetings are free.

Fred Stoller - Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Use the dollar as a bookmark.