gunner_501
01-16-2009, 01:52 PM
Here is a helpful guide to explain the use and purpous of various tools and shop equipment;
SNAP-RING PLIER
A special pliers used to propel snap-rings from the part you are working on to the farthest, darkest, spider inhabited recesses of the garage.
DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting your freshly-painted vintage car (or boat or airplane) which you had carefully parked in the corner of the shop (or hangar) where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes finger prints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--....'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters.
CRESCENT WRENCH
Used to prepare a bolt head for the application of pliers.
BELT SANDER
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS
Generally used after pliers to completely round-off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
ACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2 X 4
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR
A tool, ten times harder than any known drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect from the engine being removed.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS
See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt. It can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE
Used to open and slice through cardboard shipping cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on the contents of the carton such as seats, collector vinyl records, caustic/flammable/difficult to clean up liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing the work clothes of the person using the knife or anyone standing next to that person.
DUCT TAPE
Extra strong adhesive material that will fix just about anything that you messed up by not reading the directions first
SNAP-RING PLIER
A special pliers used to propel snap-rings from the part you are working on to the farthest, darkest, spider inhabited recesses of the garage.
DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting your freshly-painted vintage car (or boat or airplane) which you had carefully parked in the corner of the shop (or hangar) where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes finger prints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--....'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters.
CRESCENT WRENCH
Used to prepare a bolt head for the application of pliers.
BELT SANDER
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS
Generally used after pliers to completely round-off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
ACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2 X 4
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR
A tool, ten times harder than any known drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect from the engine being removed.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS
See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt. It can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE
Used to open and slice through cardboard shipping cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on the contents of the carton such as seats, collector vinyl records, caustic/flammable/difficult to clean up liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing the work clothes of the person using the knife or anyone standing next to that person.
DUCT TAPE
Extra strong adhesive material that will fix just about anything that you messed up by not reading the directions first